Sunday, February 18, 2007

Defiant

I put the title on this post for several reason.
1. One of the children is extremely defiant.
2. To ask my readers for help in dealing with a defiant child.

I sometimes feel at a lose for words. Well, not really. LOL I can think of several thinks to say really fast, however, they are not necessarily the proper thing to say. As a young child my parents taught me right from wrong and that included holding my tongue if my words were not appropriate. I especially knew that if words flew out of my mouth that were inappropriate toward my parents that I was really in deep (you know what).
Of course I tested my parents. What child doesn't test their parents? How does a child know the limits if they don't test? This is expected from a child. But I knew when to stop.

As I have said before, we are trying to adopt 3 children. They are brothers. Right now they are living in different foster homes. The oldest and the youngest living in the same foster home and the middle one living in a theraputic foster home. They only get to see each other and play together when they come to our house for their weekend stayover. Of course they are all excited because they haven't seen each other or us for 2 weeks. Well let me tell you about this weekend stayover.

This weekend stayover...
We were able to pick the middle boy up on Thursday evening. Anything that is not completed at his theraputic foster home, such as sentences to write, homework or reading assignments etc... now comes to our house. In other words he gets in trouble and has 100 sentences to write and he does not do them because he says "I will not do them" etc... Now we have to try to get him to do these things. His theraputic foster mom and his councelor have decided that he should not get to play with his brothers or watch movies or fishing or whatever (that is fun) during his visit with us. I say "What a crock". But not in front of him. Oh no - I am jumping through the hoops as far and as fast as I can jump. I say "I" but really I mean "us". All of us. Sad but true. Holding my tongue or biting it or whatever you wanna call it. LOL

So this weekend stayover he had 650 sentences to write. 650 - I just wanted to make sure that you saw that. He got 100 to begin with for yelling at her and then he said he was not going to do them and she added more. Then he said he didn't give a sh** and he got more. He is 11 years old. What does she expect? So she just kept adding them on and finally he starts to think that there is so many that he will never get them all done. It was a long 2 days here, trying to get him to do his assignments that she gave him. In some ways, I think it may just be her way to have control over him, no matter where he is at. And I would like to say to her that she may have control now, but it will not be forever.

The long 2 days here - At first he wrote some of his sentences. Then it all began...
He started being defiant toward us. Refusing to do them, cussing, saying things that just came to his mind. And more...
We talked and talked and talked some more. It seemed as though nothing was going to work. He was given a break for 1 hour to go out and play if he promised that he would write when he was done playing. That worked for about 15 minutes. Then we were listening to things from him again and again. He slept a lot because if he would not write he was sent to his room. Friday morning he woke and was ready to write. It seems like he wrote forever and still did not get done. He saw no accomplishment.
Friday evening we picked up his brothers and had dinner and he once again refused to write. He wanted to play but was not allowed. Off to bed early and up on Saturday morning ready to write again. Again he wrote and wrote and he still saw no accomplish. During this whole time he would write and then he was cussing. It was a routine that accomplished nothing. Nothing for him and nothing for us.
Finally - I have no idea what happened but something did. Maybe it was us, maybe it was him. I know that during his defiant time we would try to talk to him. We would try to encourage him and let him know that we still cared for him. Maybe, just maybe, he believed us. I don't know what happened or how it happened. I just know that I am so relieved that it did happen.
He started writting and before he knew it - he was done. Yes! Finally!

I sometimes think that so much time is lost and so much effort is put forth. But on the other hand, I know that without the time and effort, that nothing would ever change.

Saturday afternoon and Sunday (all day) was so much fun with all 3 of the boys. All 3 playing with each other and hanging around us and so on... The picture of how a family should be.

We get to keep them until Monday mid day. Our case worker is coming on Monday to talk to us and the boys, she wants to see the environment that they will be in. Of course this is part of the process. Just another of the hoops. But this one is easy. And yes, Monday is a work day for us, so everything has to be done on a schedule and so on...

All of the boys are still wanting to be with us and be adopted by us. They don't want to return to their foster homes. They laugh here and get into a lot less trouble.

The oldest and the youngest are not showing defiance. Both of them openly talk about their past situation with their biological parents. The middle one just won't open up about the biological parents. I believe he has built up anger and he just isn't sure where to exert that anger or how to exert it. If only we could take it all away and make it all better... I think in time that we can make a difference. I think that we can build some really wonderful memories for all 3 children.

We believe in these boys and we are really glad that they have came into our lives.

2 comments:

Queen Pickle said...

HI
I ran across your blog via blogsbywomen.com. I haven't read all the posts yet, but I wanted to comment on this one, if you don't mind.

The situation with the foster mom giving the boy over 600 sentences to write..in my opinion, that's excessive. When something is that extreme, it's no longer a punishment; it's a control issue.

I certainly couldn't write 600+ sentences. I can't imagine any 11 year old that could sit still long enough to do something that tedious.

Is the foster mom trying to make his time with you as miserable as his time with her? Why does she have YOU enforcing HER punishment? Seems to me the foster mom is the one that needs to be writing sentences.

This really doesn't sound like defiance. It sounds like a child who has never had a reasonable amount of discipline.

Sitting for hours and writing sentences will only make the situation worse. He needs to expend some energy; to run and play and socialize a bit with his siblings. Just think of how much better a little exercise can make you feel when you are upset.

These children will be much better off with you, from what I have read so far. Just relax and let them be children for a while. Choose your battles; not every transgression is worth fighting over. But above all, give them lots of love and let them heal. From what I've read of your blog, this is what you are offering them anyway. ;)

I am not familiar with the situation in their biological home, but it must've been bad for them to have been taken away. It takes a special mom to deal with kids that come with their own problems.

The biggest problem any 11 year old boy should have is which kind of jelly to have on his peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and that's what I wish for this little boy.

Alta aka k9 said...

I am so glad that someone shares some of the same ideas that I have about little boys. They need to run and play and climb trees and be loved.